Monday, November 1, 2010

I have...

nothing good to say right now. I am not exactly thrilled about anything at this moment. I am freezing cold, hating my living situation, sick of feeling like I am never going to be settled anywhere, drained, and I don't have any energy to do anything. I didn't go to the gym at all last week. SO LAME. I can't get out of bed, and I don't want to be around anyone. Being depressed is really not good for the baby, but I don't know what I can do to feel any better right now.

I have work to be doing here at home, and I don't want to do it.

I called the courthouse today to make an "appointment" to be married. I thought I would want it this way, but it just seems so rushed, informal, like an arrangement or agreement. It feels unromantic, mundane, or like just part of a process at this point. I know that isn't what it is in reality, but it is what it feels like right now. It makes me sad.

I really hate living here right now. Beth is here at all times, and she is starting to wear on my nerves. I feel like I just have to hide in my room at all times. Even after I move, I know I wont be "settled." I know I'll be moving again when Gary gets here. I can't set up a room for the baby, I can't decorate, I can't really gather any belongings for the baby. It makes me sad.

I haven't put on any make-up or attempted to look half-way normal for work in weeks. I look like a cow in everything I own....and that has jack shit to do with this kid. It makes me sad.

I guess my hormones are just out of whack, but even as I write this I have to fight back the urge to burst into tears. I just want to go to sleep for a week!

Thinking about having the baby the other day was making me sad to. I don't really have anyone here that I feel comfortable depending on if Gary isn't here. No one to go with me to any sort of parenting, birthing class. It makes me sad.


1 comment:

  1. Bonni! This post made me so sad. :( I'm really sorry that you're not feeling well. You should come out here for Thanksgiving or to stay awhile! Have you seen Chicago? I have 5 days off over Thanksgiving...or you're welcome any time and we have a guest bedroom! We also have internet if you need to work from here!

    The hardest part is just making yourself get up and out the door. Just think how you feel after your gym time or after you go take photos on a walk with Charlie. You just have to get there and then you'll do it.

    But seriously, it would be great if you came out! Think about it...

    Love you Bonni. Hang in there.